I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
