i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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