I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
