the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's rum buckets o'clock
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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