im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
