"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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