he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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