If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
