Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize