We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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