You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
