I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
