There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize