How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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