so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Randomize
