I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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