My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
