my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
