i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
