This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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