Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
