In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
