Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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