Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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