The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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