so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
