He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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