i wish there were pregnant emoticons
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
