Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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