i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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