Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
