so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize