I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
