Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the day after is always just damage control
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize