how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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