can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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