were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
