The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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