So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
