You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Floor bacon is actually really good
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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