Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
