A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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