My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
