The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
