totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
