there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
