She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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