Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
