I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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