Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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