people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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