well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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