Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize