I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
