I faked an abortion last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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