so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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