Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He keeps bees of course he's weird
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
