Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
