the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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