Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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