I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize