It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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