It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
