just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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