Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
